Chapter 39: Fucking Bird
I walked southwest of Gravenhurst through unmarked forests. If Dr. Best was making more than idle threats, let that hunter have to navigate these woods and deal with the same challengers I had faced, and surely would face. The Land of No Trees and the Land of All the Trees didn’t seem to be on great terms, so let there be more bickering with me in the middle.
Loosely aiming for a town on the map called Coldwater for no particular reason, I found that the next two nights showed me that the summer was dying fast. I was stepping on the first few fallen leaves that would eventually be down in heaps, and the summer’s heat vanished when the sun fled west. Once my enhanced hearing blasted me with the overhead cries of geese honking their way south.
During the days of sleep I was doing work with my inner army … and my flying head.
Helen, Simon, Allan, Karl and Nancy were never sleeping, though they still wanted to have ‘off’ time. I demanded that they rotate to keep at least one person on watch from a vantage point that looked in. This psychic construction in my dreams was mostly Simon’s work, the frame of a tower that was getting stronger and taller, its top aiming a searchlight out into the murky dark jungles where something nasty was hiding. A line of barbed wire encircled a clear perimeter of ‘explored mind’, and right now Allan and Chester were clearing forest with a machete, systematically removing hiding spots, blocking corridors of rock and earth with trees or stones.
Karl was starting up a wall behind the barbed wire perimeter, built with insulation against a strong northern winter. His ‘metaphor’ for grasping the whole surreal situation was more in line with his life experience – he needed to make a house resistant against the elements, from weather to termites.
Nancy was walking around with a clipboard most of the time, reminding people of what needed to be done, reminding them what the others were doing to make sure it all fit properly. I sensed a little annoyance toward her from Allan and Karl, though Chester made Allan much more tolerant.
Helen, being in there the longest, had made herself an inner sanctum that was basically a labyrinthine garden. Every time I dreamed she was borrowing some of my dream to lucidly construct a little more, adding new species and fountains and bird feeders and rock art, and Simon had incorporated this garden into his plans should an intruder get inside the perimeter. Lured into the garden where they would fall back to, the intruder would find themselves in a maze of choke points and kill zones. Helen didn’t like adding trap doors and hidden tunnels to her garden, but she was being mostly cooperative, passively dismissing most of this as ‘Home Alone nonsense’.
When I wanted to leave their little enclave I could ‘fly’ as a disembodied head again, roaming the outer, physical world for several kilometers, poking around. This ESP seemed to be a version of my waking psionic sense with greater range that I could only use while motionless, though the flight controls were difficult. While some controlled loops and patrols were possible there was a line on the map where any controlled flying fell apart and my remote vision basically randomized.
Nancy suspected that it was the Niagara Escarpment, remembering a map from so many years ago. If this was one of Raven’s ‘other obstacles’ that could bewilder vampiric ESP then it would also give me some cover from any vampires searching for me on the other side, which was a nice populated hunk of Ontario and the US. I would have to think twice about crossing it.
But I got some important intel regardless. There were creatures in Lake Simcoe that hooted and waved and cursed at my head as I flew by, little figures below the waves that would make the entire body of water verboten for my kind. And though it was on the other side of the Escarpment I concluded that the Greenock Swamp Wetlands were also out of bounds. They were guarded by a huge and green Bigfoot-like swamp thing with red eyes that followed me as I buzzed overhead like a half-dead fly.
To the northwest, somewhere deep in Lake Huron, was a massive but distant source of pain – the kind that I could get in tiny amounts from a maple or cherry tree. It was faint but constant, like the field of the north pole. Calabogie mountain in the northeast was also potent enough to be just detectable as a slight stinging of the dreaming eyes across many miles. I could not judge the power of individual houses of worship yet, picking up only these gargantuan signals of spiritual might.
Able to think with greater clarity in the hold of the dream, I thought that I could address the problem with Karl Ruckert and the landscaper I had tried to euthanize. If I could boost the range of my psychic ear to the point where it took days for me to reach a target that would give me more time to authenticate their willingness to die.
The nights were for hunting, not bothering with that damn ring. I’m not sure if there are any guardians or monstrous lurkers in the wilderness between Coldwater and Gravenhurst, but if so I was now tough enough to be worth leaving alone.
On the first of September I found that I missed Coldwater by a few kilometers, jogging across farmland and then following HW 400 with intent to lurk in Copeland Forest for a while. Morning came and I decided to hide under the changing leaves to the highway’s west. I’d take a nap and get a clearer idea of where that ESP-barrier was. If it was the Niagara Escarpment and it worked both ways I would have to turn around and rethink my feeding plans – that cut out London, Guelph, Kitchener and Cambridge and all of their terminally ill citizens.
It seemed to be definite, when I awoke that afternoon under marching puffy clouds on a windy day. I’d have to head down to Barrie for my next large harvest, staying away from the waterfront.
But a more immediate issue came upon me as I returned to sight of the highway. A dead groundhog had been cast to the roadside gravel, and a black bird was pecking at it, its feathers catching the wind and poofing up at times. When I hoped that this was a crow and not a raven Nancy crisply informed me that there was no real distinction between ravens and crows.
The bloody beak rose up from the carcass, and turned my way.
“Child of the 80s! There you are!”
The bird seemed delighted, hopping away from the kill into the ditch into the long grass swaying in the breeze to greet me. I didn’t run or get closer, standing stunned for a moment. Then I sighed and sat down. The driver of a passing camper carrying a family of cottagers wouldn’t have seen anything as we hunched in the brambles.
“Did you think I was dead?”
Raven cackled. “The panthers and the thunderbirds were accusing each other of having you in custody, and demanded that they give you up. All their typical nonsense, of course! Ha ha! I’m guessing the Horned Serpent smacked you out of the way and kept on napping.”
I confirmed that this was so.
“So I only made it this far because none of you were looking?”
“That’s right. I can’t literally see absolutely everything every black-feathered bird sees, my mind is limited. But then I heard a rustling down in Gravenhurst, some of the new, whiter wards bitching about something, and it turned out that there was an earlier sighting up in Algonquin Park by one of the plastic shamans.”
“Grey Owl?”
“Very similar. Those guys aren’t terribly motivated, so if we don’t ask they don’t tell. I looked at the map and thought ‘Suppose the cats and birds are both empty-handed. If I was an incel loner weirdo, I’d go off the roads to concentrate and find myself and maybe do some more pushups, maybe southwest’. And ha! Gotcha!”
I grimaced down at the bird, not forgetting the ‘gift’ of the blood diamond. It was far from trustworthy, but there might be a way to ‘play along’ with such a tricky being.
“It might be fun to let the cats and birds pretend to have me for a while longer.”
“Heh heh, I sorta agree,” Raven replied, actually turning and winking with one giant beady eye. “But you still have to get walking south. The critters in Lake Simcoe were hollering about something nasty nearby and they wouldn’t stay underwater if they knew that a predator like Nocome was close as the days shorten.”
“I also harassed some swamp monster to the west,” I added. “Is the escarpment-”
“It is one of those special impediments for the likes of you, yes,” Raven said, smiling despite the beak. “Let’s get to Copeland by tonight. The fish-gnomes in the lake might still smell you out here, and at night they might try breathing air. And whenever they do pop up something usually happens to someone’s toddler or dog.”
It was one heck of a complicated spiritual ecosystem, I learned with each new encounter. I let the bird ride with me, escorting me along but more gently than a cop handling a drunk with an arm yank and a final toss. We marched through sparse patches of deciduous forest that were yellowing and orangening and reddening quite strongly already in the first day of September, across fields toward the larger clump of uninterrupted trees that I could smell/sense even when it was beyond the horizon, because it was mid-afternoon.
The bird was a talkative, informative, riddling pest in my left ear.
I pointed northwest. “What’s that giant holy or sacred thing out in Lake Huron?”
Raven chuckled and answered cryptically. “An island on a lake in an island on a lake. I think if any vampire tried going ashore they’d just explode.” Without lips the spirit made a blowing-up sound.
“And you knew I was doing exercises, even though you just saw me now?”
“To my truer sight, you look like you’ve been half-ripped apart and then put together again at least fifty more times since we last met. Applying human athleticism to the vampire physiology is … well, I have no idea what will happen, so you might as well keep going. They hide their training programs from each other, so outsiders have little idea. But that water exercise you did in the second half is really interesting, because vampires generally don’t touch the stuff.”
“How so?” I was confused, certain that my heart had been beating in the open at one moment during my rabid fight with Nocome. Did it beat without pumping blood, or was it pumping that luminescent glow around my ‘true body’?
“You were an engineer, work this out,” Raven squawked, jumping off my shoulder so I could hop down a little cliff, settling back on immediately to jabber into my right ear. “Human goes down into water, pressure goes up. A vampire, as far as your mundane physics is concerned, is basically just a corpse in denial. So what’s the difference when the living and dead go underwater?”
I thought aloud. “Well, a scuba diver has to breathe, equalize the pressure in their lungs or their chest collapses at worst. And when they go back up if they’re too fast and still at the higher pressure internally …” I imitated Raven’s explosion sound. “Or just the bends. But the corpse doesn’t breathe, no blood flows, and the blood vessels don’t constrict or expand. No equalization when you go down deep … so I’m actually getting crushed worse than a human diver.”
“Exactly!” Raven said, sounding pleased.
I had a brief flash of surreal dizziness as I took my physics lesson from a talking mystical bird that was supposed to have more spiritual wisdom, but apparently a spirit of Raven’s age is a polymath.
“The pressure gradient is huge when you plummet right in,” the bird continued. “And that’s what you were doing every day for almost a month, you goofy masochist! It’s worse than staying down there longer with a gradual sink, because the gradient would fade. After a while the corpse’s internal pressure will equalize … but then you were jumping right back out of the water! Full bends, no stopping and breathing to equalize halfway up. Almost blowing up. So you almost imploded and exploded yourself over and over again, day after day. You were probably closer to death than when Nocome had you in her jaws … but your whole sense of mortal pain and mere discomfort from exercise is scrambled. You never noticed!”
I stopped walking, frowning into the canopy of changing leaves. This little copse was very close to our destination, where I supposed that Raven might leave me for now. “So I almost trained myself to death, and did it long enough to ‘normalize’ it. Does that make me crippled or super-strong?”
I liked one of those options, but it also sounded like I might keep running or fighting until I suddenly collapsed with no warning, having no reliable fuel tank indicator. And the answer might be both – engineering’s all about trade-offs.
Raven’s feathers scuffed my ear. “Not sure! It just means your first encounter with another vampire is going to be fun to watch.”
But when we came to Copeland Forest Raven did not depart. Perched on a wooden fence that kept a gravel parking lot from spilling into the park’s edge, Raven studied the sunset for a few seconds before pointing that big black beak at me again. The hikers had all gone home, leaving behind nothing but their garbage that stank until I escaped the airstream that led from the bin at the head of the trail to my nostrils.
“My toll is one,” Raven said, spreading the bird’s wings to make a huge shadow.
“One?”
“One.”
The crowd in my head were all standing at attention like a bunch of meerkats.
“Really?”
Raven sighed. “Look kid: you’re not hording souls and keeping them from the afterlife. You’re more like a line in the DMV that got so twisted that the people are actually in a loop. But the whole thing is a big loop anyway: they don’t have some ultimate place to go. There’s no heaven or hell, just Tahiti and New Jersey. We call it nature, the people down south will call it business.”
“Sounds like the water cycle,” I said carelessly, thinking hard. Would I have to ask for volunteers? Pick someone out as the least valuable? Run a fucking lottery?
“And I’m thirsty,” Raven said, bringing one clawed foot down impatiently.
Slowly, I crossed my arms. My little tribe started to cower, hiding in their holes, sensing the rage before it ripped out of me.
“I need them more than you,” I said, and I sounded only half like myself. The air was crisp and cooler than it had been since spring, and if I had been human their might have been condensation in my breath. “What kind of business announces the price after the service? Mob business, I think.”
“You’re still closer to sucker, kid,” Raven said, twisting this avatar’s neck in a way that looked painful. “Born every two minutes instead of one.”
“You’re a thief like me,” I hissed, and the darkness that followed the setting sun lit up with my eyes. “Taker of dead things. Where is Jean-Claude in this ‘water cycle’? I think they might be safer in my head even with Nocome, because who knows what you will buy? No reincarnation – they are more like cash, passed around. A great slave trade?” I hissed again. “No deal.”
“Addiction,” Raven drawled, “is a hell of a thing. Very sneaky. The smarter the addict the more convincing the excuses.”
“You’re not getting them,” I snarled, feeling my legs bend, entering a crouch that could become a spring in an instant. “They don’t get an afterlife, but can dream in my head.”
“Dream and serve you. You’re just a buyer in the slave trade, when it’s important to buy and sell.” And then Raven’s voice broke into a long, dry laugh. “Okay, born every three minutes now! But we can sneak in transactions better than any schemer on Wall Street, kid. Here’s an alternative payment option: instead of one out of your five, I pick five at random from the land around us. But you can make that just one. One person out of a random five.”
My snarl, my hunch, my excuses masked with moral disgust – they started to crumble into confusion. I rose up on straight legs.
“What? You can just kill one person at random and consider that to be me paying you?”
Raven shook his beak. “Not random, because you will choose who dies out of a random five! Who will it be? The oldest of the five?”
I was in a trap and knew it. I was euthanizing people who didn’t want to live to the best of my ability, so one more would be just another night’s work … but even if Raven didn’t lie he would twist it, somehow. His taking came from tricking others, and he had tried to trick and coerce me into giving up a meal. He’d just fallen back on another trick.
Age didn’t guarantee that a person was the most fit to die. Should I say ‘the sickest’? Raven could probably tinker with the definition of ‘sick’. A kid with strep throat versus an old lady who feels fine – speak carelessly and the kid would die. ‘The meanest’ could also be a kid who killed bugs and punched other kids at recess because he was just a dumb shithead who might turn out better later, not the psychopathic adult that I might intend to have killed with those words.
I would want to pick someone most fitting, and Raven would find a ‘random’ group in which my choice was not what I wanted at all – because of course you could just roll the dice over and over again until you got what you wanted and it was still ‘random’. If I chose ‘the oldest’ Raven would probably just roll and roll until all five people in the random sample were under the age of ten.
“You’re time is coming up, the gong about to sound,” Raven cackled. “What is the oldest? What is the cruelest? The sickest? The most hated by others?”
Despair was in my mind, because I knew that some twist was coming. But I tried, damn it.
“The least happy.”
Silent thunder fell upon the early night, swaying the grass.
Raven whistled. “Done. And as a reward for playing my little game, she’s yours!” Out of the bird’s beak was hawked up a little speck of flesh. Grimacing, I held out my hand and caught it. It had the consistency of a broken blueberry.
I started to take.
“You … cocksucking … whorefucking … LYING … EVIL … BIRD! FUCKING BIRD! FUCKING … BIRD!!!” I was immediately out of my mind with fury.
“Ha ha!” And Raven disappeared into the night.
The person I had gotten killed was a seventeen-year-old named Alexanne Floros.
She had just gotten dumped by her first boyfriend.
Chapter 40: It’s the Gradient Stupid
Image credits: William Gibson, R Altenkamp, Sikander Iqbal, Joe Mabel